If you have lost someone dear to you, you experienced one of the most painful of life’s emotions – grief. It can hit all at once and leave us with debilitating pain. Or it can come in waves, allowing moments for us to catch our breath, preparing ourselves for the next onslaught. There are a myriad of other emotions attached to grief – sadness, anger, fear, disappointment – but whatever the range of emotions, that deep pain leaves us feeling as if life will never return to normal.
Death of a loved one changes everything. It is as if our life stops while we watch life move on for others. I want you to know that the range of emotions you feel is normal and one thing is certain, we all love, and we all lose. I’ve heard it said that the amount of pain we feel when we lose someone dear is in proportion to the amount of love we had for them. I know we would never wish we had loved less, but we do wish we didn’t have to hurt so much when they are gone.
I lost the closest person to me at only 26 years old. My husband died suddenly in an accident, leaving me a single mom of two young girls. Our lives had just begun. We had just purchased our first home, were enjoying life with our little family of four, and we were making plans for the future. This loss was the most traumatic interruption I had ever known. Everything I knew, from my daily activities, my workload, finances, and future was impacted in an instant. I was suddenly thrust into life as a single mom, helping my daughters process the loss of their dad, while carrying in my heart the greatest pain I had ever experienced.
There were many uncertainties; I did not know how to navigate it all. I leaned on God the best I could, but often I found myself angry at Him for allowing me to be in this situation. If He loved me, why did I have to hurt so much? I bottled this up the best I could, but one night it all came out as I began to scream into my pillow. I was letting out my frustration, venting out my anger and helplessness. I yelled until my body grew tired and my muscles relaxed. I found myself weeping quietly onto my very wet pillowcase.
I had wondered if this angry rant / prayer had crossed a line. Was I allowed to yell at God? I felt such a strong impression in my heart immediately and then I heard “My shoulders are big enough.” I broke down and sobbed, wondering if this was where God wanted me to get to all along, to express my pain, bare it all and share my deepest feelings with Him. Maybe He wasn’t looking for “perfect” prayers.
In that moment, I cried out “God please help me with my pain. I don’t want to do this without You. I don’t know how to do it alone.” I made a decision that day that I would partner with God, no matter how ugly my emotions became. I would believe that maybe there was a way to find healing.
A few days later, I was out running errands and stopped by the grocery store. I walked down the soda aisle and instinctively grabbed a bottle of Dr. Pepper and put it in my cart. As soon as I did that, I froze because I realized that was my husband’s drink. I bought that for him every time I went to the store. As I looked at the bottle in my cart, the reality that I didn’t need to buy that drink anymore came crashing in, bringing with it overwhelming emotion. I started weeping uncontrollably and was unable to stop it. Tears were flowing and people were staring. I left my shopping cart full of groceries in the aisle and ran to my car. I went home, cried a lot, and, of course, wondered if I would ever be able to grocery shop again. I spent the next few days thinking about how Tim loved his Dr. Pepper, how we would joke about him drinking that more than water, and all the memories associated with that. I cried, I prayed and eventually the heaviness of those memories left me.
A few days later I decided to head back to that store – which I had been dreading – to get the items I had left there. My game plan was to avoid Dr. Pepper and the entire soda aisle for the rest of my life. I’d skip it and be fine. However, as I was heading to the checkout, there was an entire end cap for the Super Bowl that displayed a large football, a Dr. Pepper sign, and probably 50 cases of Dr. Pepper!
As soon as I saw it, my heart dropped. I thought, here we go again. I gripped the cart handle, closed my eyes and waited for the emotion that would surely follow. But nothing came. I stood there for several seconds wondering what had happened. And instantly an equation dropped into my mind: to feel + to deal = to heal. I wasn’t sure what I was hearing at the time, but I wrote it down on a napkin I had in my purse.
Over the next few days, I began to practice what I remembered from this experience. When a memory would surface and bring pain, instead of pushing it down or distracting myself, I decided I would think about it. I would take a minute and really remember what that memory was about. I would allow the emotions to come. What did I feel at that time? Who was present? What did I love most about this time? I would then pray and ask God to remove the pain associated with it and heal the memory.
This was difficult at first. I found myself more emotionally raw and tired of “feeling.” Soon these areas would be tested and when the memory resurfaced, I wasn’t feeling the same level of pain. It was either diminished or gone! I realized then that I had found the formula for grief. I believe that was a God-given revelation, and it changed everything for me. I used it every day from that point on and it worked!
Overcoming the pain of loss seems unimaginable, but I have witnessed it in my own life. I never thought that I would see the day where I could find life after such a devastating tragedy. But, with God, all things are possible. The plan for healing is just phase one.
I realized over time that healing wasn’t the only goal. There was also a life waiting for me on the other side of loss. God’s plan isn’t just to restore you and put you “back to normal”. Restoration defined in the biblical sense is actually giving you more than you
had before. I couldn’t even comprehend that logic as I had lost the most central person in my life. But I didn’t have to know the plan, I just needed to trust it.
Beyond the pain, the devastation, the confusion – all the ups and downs of grieving – there is purpose. Your story can help others. You can’t take others someplace you have not been yourself. If you have overcome, if you have risen above, if you have walked through fire, there are many, many people who want to hear it so they know someone understands, that they are not alone. Your pain can help others rise up and heal, and that is where you begin to find your purpose.
Finding purpose in our pain brings more fulfillment than can be put into words. I have found a new level of healing as I share my story. I have raised my girls and poured into them, I have spoken to young adults, written a book, and continue to reach out and help others. There is nothing more satisfying than hearing how my story helped someone else recover. It helped them find life. It helped them overcome pain. This is my reason for waking up each day.
Do I miss my husband and the life we had together? Of course. But I can say that without feeling pain. I love the life I live now. God has been faithful to bring me to the other side of loss. And, He is there for you too. I am praying for you and trusting God for your healing. I would love to partner with you to help you enter into your best life.
If you are interested, I have a FREE Grief Guide I would love to give you, which includes the formula I shared above. You can request your grief guide, purchase my book Life After Loss, and connect with me on my website at www.caristewart.org.